Question: My strong-willed child is a handful at any time and under any circumstances, but nothing can top his defiant and uncooperative behavior at bedtime. He refuses to stay in bed — no matter how many times we put him there, he gets up again and again. I feel as if I'm losing my mind for lack of sleep. What can we do about this?

Answer: Battles at bedtime are not unusual when there is a strong-willed child in the house. In some cases, this problem may even persist into the primary years. The remedy is basically the same as that which we would prescribe in any conflict with a strong-willed child: firm, loving, and persevering discipline. The key to winning this confrontation is not to punish harder but to conquer a child's will by outlasting him, even if that process takes two or three hours.

In dealing with a situation of this nature, it's vital to take appropriate action and stick with it until the undesirable behavior has been eliminated. Success depends on your ability to establish meaningful consequences and to apply them consistently and impartially. Be sure to discuss these consequences ahead of time. The child should understand what is and what is not acceptable before he is held accountable to keep the rules.

You might begin by saying something like, "We all have jobs and responsibilities in this household. Your job right now is to stay in bed and go to sleep." Let your child know that if he fails to fulfill this responsibility, something unpleasant will happen. This could involve the removal of some privilege directly associated with the bedtime ritual or routine. For example, if his door is usually open or a night light is left burning in the hallway, make it clear that the door will be closed and the light extinguished if he doesn't stay in bed. If he is used to listening to music, looking at a picture book or cuddling a stuffed toy, take them away until he decides to comply with your wishes. 

After putting the child to bed, Mum and Dad should be prepared to intercept him immediately if he gets up. It might be a good idea to take a book or some paperwork and sit just outside his door. If he comes out, take him back to bed and sit quietly with him. Talk calmly and firmly about the importance of staying there. Explain your concerns about safety in the house and why you can't permit him to walk around while others are asleep. Say, "What we need right now is for you to stay in bed. What do you think we can do to make that happen?"

If he decides to climb out of bed a second time, repeat the process. Be firm but not angry or exasperated. Having drawn your boundaries, stay within them. Your goal is to outlast your child, no matter how long it takes. It's a matter of simple endurance. Once the battle has been won, the child will usually live within the parameters established. If it is lost, the next conflict will be even harder to resolve.

Meanwhile, don't forget to invest an equal amount of energy on the positive side of the ledger. Here, as in so many other areas, it’s important to stay vigilant and "catch your child being good." When he has a good night, find some way to encourage him and praise him on his accomplishment. We’re not thinking here in terms of rewards, which can promote selfishness if offered in excess, but rather of family celebrations. You might, for example, place a glass jar in a prominent place and allow your child to put a marble in the jar every time he goes to bed without a fuss and sleeps for eight or nine hours at a stretch. Then, when the jar is full, you can celebrate by planning a family outing or devising a creative way to get involved in serving friends and neighbors as a parent-child team. Let your child choose a fun activity or pick a family he'd like to present with a batch of home-made cookies. This will give him the sense of control and self-determination that is so effective in moderating the behavior of strong-willed children.

This article was published with permission from Focus on the Family Malaysia.

If you liked this article and would like to go deeper, we have some helpful resources at family.org.my.

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY MALAYSIA 
6-2 Jalan Bersatu 13/4 
46200 Petaling Jaya 
Tel: +603-7954 7920 
e-mail: [email protected] 
URL: www.family.org.my 
Facebook [focusonthefamilymalaysia] 
Twitter [familiesMY]